Undoctrinated Daughter

And if our hope in Christ is only for this life, we are of all people most to be pitied. But in fact, Christ has been raised from the dead. He is the first of the great harvest of all who have died. Just as everyone dies because we all belong to Adam, everyone who belongs to Christ will be given new life . . . all who belong to Christ will be raised when He comes back . . . – 1 Corinthians 15: 19-20, 22-23

The youngest is currently being thoroughly entertained by wagging her cute little pointer finger at me and telling me, “No, ma’am” every time I try to tickle her, chase her, leave the room, sing (like an angel with the running shower as their only audience), and everything else I try to do in an attempt to make her sillier than she already is. This silliness has consumed a better part of the week, and I chuckled as I ventured down stairs to go for a run and thought, “No, ma’am” (PTL), and then again when I went to watch a sermon, “No, ma’am” (hmmm – this one stumped me), and then again when I went to pick up a book that is wrecking my life, “No, ma’am”. . . and then I realized in a Samuel meets Robert De Niro kinda moment – oh, Lord, you talkin’ to me?!

He sure was with a solid “No, ma’am.” We’ve been in a season together. We’ve been in a season of quiet, uncertainty, and lots and lots of doubting Thomas questions (Thomas questions are not bad, believer, so stop wagging your little finger at me like my little). Seriously though, lots of wrestling happening here. I’m wrestling with the broken church and feeling guilty every time I see a post condemning my lack of presence. I’m wrestling with blessing the blessed churchgoers (put the pitchforks away – I know we all need help). I’m wrestling with “feed my sheep” and worrying about whether I am feeding or not feeding and listening or not listening and being obedient or completely missing the mark. I’m wrestling with good intention Christianity and Christianity that puts the gloves on and gets dirty without the tangible earthly perks and benefits and pride filled service. I’m wrestling with, “No, ma’am.”

I don’t want to be known as a sometimes good speaker. I don’t want to be known as a sometimes okayest writer in the world. I don’t want to be known as a great member of a great church with great check boxes marking all the ways to make Jesus great again like He needs our help.

I want to be known as someone who listens like Jesus. I want to be known as someone who fed hungry friends, neighbors, and strangers like Jesus. I want to be known as a momma who fed other mommas with encouragement and love like Jesus. I want to be known as the cupcake my daughter says I am because well, heck, I can’t help but be a cupcake because the Savior of the world chose me. I didn’t choose Him; He chose me. And then I want to be bold and brave to share my Jesus with others to let them know that He chose them too. I want to be a part of the church – the bride – that serves without thought because it is naturally ingrained in us from His all-consuming love to love Him and then others. I want to be known as a woman after God’s own heart.

Bottom line: I don’t know what any of this looks like, but He does. I’m pursuing Him. I’m waiting in patient expectation even when I get a “No, ma’am” because our hope is not in this life, but in the life He paid with that cost so dearly – a life that couldn’t be kept in a grave. A life worth seeking.

Dear Reader, will you join me? Will you actively seek and pursue Him with all the questions and wrestling? Will you pray with me and for me?

Can I finally get a “Yes, ma’am?”

XOXO, Loni